A Brief Summary of Texas

In Texas, all capital punishment sentences are carried out in a prison known as "The Walls." This prison is located an hour south of Houston, in Huntsville, Texas.

That's where seven of us from Chi Alpha Christian Fellowship (XA) went to learn and share more of God's love. I love the irony. It was a great team, too. Our campus pastors, Derek and Jessica Seaberg came, along with my pals Isaac, Brandon, Jessie and Sarah.

Lovely Sam Houston State University in Huntsville,
...with me and Sarah's feet.

To be perfectly honest, I wasn't ready to love or learn. I guess I had lost my vision for the future, and I just wanted to feel good. I was already regretting giving up my break. On the first day of travel, I got the worst headache and spent the day weepy, withdrawn, and wishing I had just gone to Joseph over break like I wanted to.

But the next day we went to church, and let me tell you, every church service they have down there is like a full-blown retreat. Here's what I wrote afterward.

I feel like a blob of quivering, proud, and broken humanity. Everything I’ve heard today has been convicting. This morning, we went to chuuurch. That’s not a typo. There was an extended worship time where you could just soak in the Spirit. The message really got me. It was titled “The Root of Bitterness.”

Look carefully lest anyone fall short of the glory of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.

Hebrews 12:15

Bitterness isn’t just a sin, it’s an infection. Your bitterness hurts the people you come into contact with, causing a spread of bitterness. So don’t be reopening your wounds and meditating on them. Confess, accept God’s forgiveness, and let it go.

I don’t remember how the pastor connected it, but then he started talking about losing awe of God. Awe is fear mingled with admiration or reverence; a feeling produced by something majestic or sublime. Awe is often translated as “fear” in the Bible. There’s several verses about it. 
Psalm 33:6-9 Let all the inhabitants of the world stand in awe of God...

The pastor said, “If ya’ll lose your awe of God, ya’ll is so dead you may as well be buried...You been doing it [the church thing] ‘cause you know you’re supposed to, but you don’t care.”

This cut a little close to the quick!

After church, we had a meeting with the second-year interns and thoroughly picked their brains on their organization structure, challenges and advice. Then we went on a campus tour of Sam Houston State University, had a spontaneous game of office-chair basketball and then had dinner at Eli's, the music team leader's, house. 


After eating potato salad and chicken and looking at Eli's aquaponics setup, he showed us a presentation on how you stop hearing the voice of God, even though the Bible says he is speaking all the time. First, you start thinking for some reason, God does not have your best interests at heart. So you shut him out a little. Because of that, you can’t hear him so well. You start going through the motions of worship, but your heart isn’t in it. Then you start rationalizing, “Well, I don’t need to go to church to serve God. I don’t need to raise my hands in order to worship.” And then you start manipulating.

That cut even closer. I had to process a lot that night, which was good because we were scheduled to go share our testimonies on campus the next day.

At Sam Houston's historic homestead. Is that a light at the end of the tunnel?

Jonathan Bryce, a pastor from another university, drove 4 hours just to take us to Sam Houston and teach us how to talk to people. He made us write down our testimonies and hand them in to him, then tell our testimony to at least three people. I guess I wasn't done processing what I had learned the day before, because I accidentally-on-purpose didn't hand in my testimony, and stewed quietly and resentfully throughout his entire speech. Then we were turned loose on campus, and suddenly I was quite happy to do whatever I needed. I met several girls on their way to class and had great conversations. Several of them let me pray for them, and I was able to share some version of my story with each of them.

After we debriefed and went back to our headquarters, I admitted to my group, “I don’t know why I’m here. I don’t want to be here.” They prayed for me. Maybe it sounds too easy, but I honestly felt like the resentment just slid off me after that.

Through the rest of the events that day, I met more fascinating people and scribbled down these ideas they related to me:

"Don’t compare yourself to other leaders - don’t look to the side, look up. Also, love with abandon." 
"Have a strong devotional life so you have something to impart."

"When you fight shoulder-to-shoulder with people, fellowship happens."

The next morning, we had a devotional time with the staff, who have their quiet time together. I was in some pain, and I felt like I couldn’t sit still. I read a psalm, a chapter in Ephesians, and a little bit of Matthew, and then I got up and just paced for a long time. It was weird to be in pain every day. It is not normal for me. I started feeling like God was asking me to learn how to serve him even when I don’t feel good.

Sarah and Jessie playing in the leaves at Sam.

Sarah, Jessie and I debriefed together about what we learned in our God times and prayed for each other. When they were praying for me, I suddenly realized the Holy Spirit was there and strong, and working through these two girls who I've had the opportunity to mentor. It gave me so much joy!

We did tabling on campus. The SHSU interns wrote a question on a whiteboard, and we asked students passing by to write an answer to the question. The question was, “What is wrong with humanity?” One guy wrote down “people who don’t think for his/herself.” I asked him what made him think of that, and this led to a discussion about the importance of deep thought, Plato, religions and Christianity. I love that kind of stuff. I told him my thoughts on the strong relationship between Christianity and intellectualism. He basically said he was exploring religions, but circling around back to Christianity.

Then our team had lunch in Sam Houston's cafeteria, Old Main. Sarah and I teamed up to have conversations. 

What this usually looks like is we walk up to someone and say, "Hi, this is Sarah and I'm Bethany. We're with a Christian group on campus, and we've just been going around and trying to get a feel for what students think about God, and what their spiritual background is and stuff. Would you be willing to share with us your story?" Then you can get to know them and ask good questions.

First, we sat down with a girl named Jacqueline who was involved with the Baptist group. She's on a fast track to being a broadcast anchor, so we talked a lot about how God could use her there.

Then we got up, grabbed dessert, and sat down with Amber, a quiet girl who wants to be a basketball coach. Her roommate actually goes to a Chi Alpha small group and she was a nominal Christian, and pretty apathetic about Christianity. “I’m not ready for that,” she said. Sarah and I both shared our testimonies in the "opposite spirit." This is something Jonathan Bryce taught us. When you're talking with people, you should take on the opposite spirit to what they have. If they're aggressive and confrontational, then you should be calm and peaceful. If they're passive and apathetic, then you should be passionate.

During free time we carried a bamboo tree from Sam 
Houston Park back to the Chi Alpha house. We got some weird looks.

At our debriefing meeting, we talked about how we could apply what we learned back on our campus.

At this point, I stopped keeping careful notes because so much happened!

There was street preaching, where two from our group shared their testimonies on campus (with a microphone!) There was Wednesday night fellowship, which was just as powerful as church on Sunday. I saw some incredible things happen that night.

We went to Rice University and had conversations with random strangers there, and talked to the Chi Alpha leaders at that university. Their students were a lot more like ours - busy, smart and apathetic. From them, we learned how to sacrificially love students by giving up time that would normally go to studying. This sounds a little crazy, but it's not about giving up on school. It's about realizing the immense value of people who are worth investing time in.

Rice's amazing campus had castle-like buildings, owls, and a lot of intellectuals.

Did this week change our group? Will it have long-term effects on our Chi Alpha? The answer - it already is changing our group. Sarah has become more intentional about spending time with people who are at risk for becoming disconnected, and she focuses more on encouraging others. Jessie has a glow of joy that almost makes her unrecognizable. Brandon is already spending less time locked away in an engineering lab, and is instead spending time with people he can disciple. Isaac not only developed a sensitivity to people who need help, he has started to connect people and change our worship culture at Wednesday night fellowship. 

It's more difficult to pinpoint the places where I've changed, except that I'm beginning to understand that it's not about me. It's not about my feelings, although feelings are valid. God is there, and he loves me, whether I feel like it or not. And when I continue to surrender to him, even if I don't feel like it, he honors that.

Well, that and I signed up for a conversation partner from the International Programs Office to intentionally make a friend, and had an interesting conversation about the Bible with a Jewish journalist from The Washington Post, and I've signed up for housing on campus this fall to create Christ-like community in the dorms, and...heavens, I don't know what all I've signed up for, but I haven't done it for the sake of keeping busy. I've caught a glimpse of what living for Christ could really mean. I've remembered what life looks like without him. I don't want to waste my life on things that are meaningless. I want to live for him.

What Happens When You Look for Fulfillment on Facebook

This morning when I stood with my head in the freezer in the church basement, holding a package of blueberries to my eyes to bring down the swelling from weeping, I stopped crying long enough to laugh a little at what I was doing.

I'd like to blame as much as possible on Astrid Lindgren, the author best known for writing Pippi Longstocking. When I woke up today, I read a short book by her called Ronia the Robber’s Daughter. It's a well-written story in which one adventurous girl brings together two feuding bands of robbers. In the beginning when Ronia is born in the fortress full of thieves, her father picks her up and holds her and looks at her helpless feet, her wispy hair, and he trembles with love. He trembles with love.

Can't you just see a father's face over his newborn baby, so in love with the defenseless child who has nothing to give, that he literally shakes?

I think God sees me the same way. He trembles with love. And it makes me shake inside. Because I know who I am. I know my shortcomings and how poorly I love him back. How poorly I live. And I want to do better and I can’t. But He trembles with love.

When I walked into church at 10 am, none of this was on my mind. I wanted another cup of coffee and to see if any of my friends had come. But as I sat down, suddenly my head screamed with lies. You're probably familiar with the type. I think they come standard with brains. "No one cares. You are worthless. Why can't you do better? You are alone. You are alone and you will always be alone."

A line from a song ran over and over in my head. “...Who will love me for me - not for what I have done or what I could become.” I didn’t know why these words hurt so much. What right did I have to be hurt by this? I have been very loved by people, and many times undeservedly. But at the same time, I know there is no human who loves unconditionally. I don’t even know what loving “me for me” would be, although I think it takes actions out of the equation.

I didn't ask for help because I felt a little ashamed. I feel like I should be more mature at my age - more mature than the girl who blew up an orange balloon before church and set it in the next seat for company, then started sobbing as soon as the first song began and ran off before the sermon to hide in a storage closet.

And meanwhile He trembles with love. He told me, “You’ve been gone too long - I’m so glad you’re back.”

I replied, “I didn’t know I had left.”

But I had. I had ironically left His side so that I could do His work - or that’s what I thought. A few weeks ago, He said, “You worry about doing a lot of things, but only one thing is needed.”

At the time, I had smiled. “Yes, the one thing I am doing! That’s all you need, isn’t it? Because it isn’t enough to love you and be loved. I have to do something. I have to make sure other people love you. I have to-”

So I forgot about His love in the rush to make His love understood. I turned people into my little gods, people who could push me around and I’d obey their whims because I needed them to like me so they'd like my God. I got caught in a loop. And the whole time, He was saying, “Shh, shh, only one thing is needed.”

At first, I got mad at Him. “Don’t make me cry here in front of all these people. I don’t want to cry!” But he smashed through all my defenses when the band began playing a hymn.

My Jesus, I love thee, I know thou art mine

In my mind, I could see Him holding me like the robber held Ronia. I caught a glimpse of fierce, tender, enormous, shaking-with-passion love and I cried. I cried because despite my beautiful circle of friends, I’ve been lonely for that love. I cried because even though I desperately wanted it, I don’t think I’m at all the person who should get it because I have a big head and I buy gifts for myself and I don’t call my birth dad even though I know he wants me to and two nights ago I dreamed I was a prostitute and I woke up knowing that in a way it was true. It doesn’t feel right to be loved fully and completely. I think I need to prove it first. Maybe I need to be punished some way.

My Jesus, I love thee, I know thou art mine

I cried because despite all of that, I love Him. I love how He saved me over and over in a lifestyle filled with abuse and abandonment. I love Him because He worked on my heart after taking me out of that life and healed me so completely that no one ever guesses where I came from. I love Him because He filled my life with amazing people. I love Him because He takes my little plans and throws them into the air like pizza dough and when they come back down, they’re so much bigger.

He does it over and over for us and never gets tired, He never runs out of joy. He makes fields of flowers grow in hidden meadows no one sees. He teaches the stars to sing and laughs with delight when we figure out how to hear them. He sees walls building up around a single heart and He smashes them to leave a person raw but real.

There's only one reason why I'm sharing this with you- this weepy, silly story for a rainy, windy day. Because maybe you forgot why you're here, too. Maybe it somehow slipped your mind that there is someone who loves you so entirely, so completely, so ridiculously, so powerfully that He is shaking. Maybe you push that aside because you feel like you haven't earned it, which when you think about it is a lot like a baby refusing to be held because they haven't yet figured out how to walk. If you've been holding out on Him, let go. Yes, it does feel like jumping off a cliff, doesn't it? Or maybe it's more like standing in front of a lion's claws and letting them tear away the superficial pieces of you. But real life is so worth it. He is so worth it.

And He will deliver you because he delights in you.