Sunday, January 12, 2014

What Happens When You Look for Fulfillment on Facebook

This morning when I stood with my head in the freezer in the church basement, holding a package of blueberries to my eyes to bring down the swelling from weeping, I stopped crying long enough to laugh a little at what I was doing.

I'd like to blame as much as possible on Astrid Lindgren, the author best known for writing Pippi Longstocking. When I woke up today, I read a short book by her called Ronia the Robber’s Daughter. It's a well-written story in which one adventurous girl brings together two feuding bands of robbers. In the beginning when Ronia is born in the fortress full of thieves, her father picks her up and holds her and looks at her helpless feet, her wispy hair, and he trembles with love. He trembles with love.

Can't you just see a father's face over his newborn baby, so in love with the defenseless child who has nothing to give, that he literally shakes?


I think God sees me the same way. He trembles with love. And it makes me shake inside. Because I know who I am. I know my shortcomings and how poorly I love him back. How poorly I live. And I want to do better and I can’t. But He trembles with love.

When I walked into church at 10 am, none of this was on my mind. I wanted another cup of coffee and to see if any of my friends had come. But as I sat down, suddenly my head screamed with lies. You're probably familiar with the type. I think they come standard with brains. "No one cares. You are worthless. Why can't you do better? You are alone. You are alone and you will always be alone."

A line from a song ran over and over in my head. “...Who will love me for me - not for what I have done or what I could become.” I didn’t know why these words hurt so much. What right did I have to be hurt by this? I have been very loved by people, and many times undeservedly. But at the same time, I know there is no human who loves unconditionally. I don’t even know what loving “me for me” would be, although I think it takes actions out of the equation.


I didn't ask for help because I felt a little ashamed. I feel like I should be more mature at my age - more mature than the girl who blew up an orange balloon before church and set it in the next seat for company, then started sobbing as soon as the first song began and ran off before the sermon to hide in a storage closet.


And meanwhile He trembles with love. He told me, “You’ve been gone too long - I’m so glad you’re back.”

I replied, “I didn’t know I had left.”


But I had. I had ironically left His side so that I could do His work - or that’s what I thought. A few weeks ago, He said, “You worry about doing a lot of things, but only one thing is needed.”


At the time, I had smiled. “Yes, the one thing I am doing! That’s all you need, isn’t it? Because it isn’t enough to love you and be loved. I have to do something. I have to make sure other people love you. I have to-”


So I forgot about His love in the rush to make His love understood. I turned people into my little gods, people who could push me around and I’d obey their whims because I needed them to like me so they'd like my God. I got caught in a loop. And the whole time, He was saying, “Shh, shh, only one thing is needed.”


At first, I got mad at Him. “Don’t make me cry here in front of all these people. I don’t want to cry!” But he smashed through all my defenses when the band began playing a hymn.


My Jesus, I love thee, I know thou art mine


In my mind, I could see Him holding me like the robber held Ronia. I caught a glimpse of fierce, tender, enormous, shaking-with-passion love and I cried. I cried because despite my beautiful circle of friends, I’ve been lonely for that love. I cried because even though I desperately wanted it, I don’t think I’m at all the person who should get it because I have a big head and I buy gifts for myself and I don’t call my birth dad even though I know he wants me to and two nights ago I dreamed I was a prostitute and I woke up knowing that in a way it was true. It doesn’t feel right to be loved fully and completely. I think I need to prove it first. Maybe I need to be punished some way.


My Jesus, I love thee, I know thou art mine


I cried because despite all of that, I love Him. I love how He saved me over and over in a lifestyle filled with abuse and abandonment. I love Him because He worked on my heart after taking me out of that life and healed me so completely that no one ever guesses where I came from. I love Him because He filled my life with amazing people. I love Him because He takes my little plans and throws them into the air like pizza dough and when they come back down, they’re so much bigger.


He does it over and over for us and never gets tired, He never runs out of joy. He makes fields of flowers grow in hidden meadows no one sees. He teaches the stars to sing and laughs with delight when we figure out how to hear them. He sees walls building up around a single heart and He smashes them to leave a person raw but real.

There's only one reason why I'm sharing this with you- this weepy, silly story for a rainy, windy day. Because maybe you forgot why you're here, too. Maybe it somehow slipped your mind that there is someone who loves you so entirely, so completely, so ridiculously, so powerfully that He is shaking. Maybe you push that aside because you feel like you haven't earned it, which when you think about it is a lot like a baby refusing to be held because they haven't yet figured out how to walk. If you've been holding out on Him, let go. Yes, it does feel like jumping off a cliff, doesn't it? Or maybe it's more like standing in front of a lion's claws and letting them tear away the superficial pieces of you. But real life is so worth it. He is so worth it.