What Happens When You Look for Fulfillment on Facebook

This morning when I stood with my head in the freezer in the church basement, holding a package of blueberries to my eyes to bring down the swelling from weeping, I stopped crying long enough to laugh a little at what I was doing.

I'd like to blame as much as possible on Astrid Lindgren, the author best known for writing Pippi Longstocking. When I woke up today, I read a short book by her called Ronia the Robber’s Daughter. It's a well-written story in which one adventurous girl brings together two feuding bands of robbers. In the beginning when Ronia is born in the fortress full of thieves, her father picks her up and holds her and looks at her helpless feet, her wispy hair, and he trembles with love. He trembles with love.

Can't you just see a father's face over his newborn baby, so in love with the defenseless child who has nothing to give, that he literally shakes?

I think God sees me the same way. He trembles with love. And it makes me shake inside. Because I know who I am. I know my shortcomings and how poorly I love him back. How poorly I live. And I want to do better and I can’t. But He trembles with love.

When I walked into church at 10 am, none of this was on my mind. I wanted another cup of coffee and to see if any of my friends had come. But as I sat down, suddenly my head screamed with lies. You're probably familiar with the type. I think they come standard with brains. "No one cares. You are worthless. Why can't you do better? You are alone. You are alone and you will always be alone."

A line from a song ran over and over in my head. “...Who will love me for me - not for what I have done or what I could become.” I didn’t know why these words hurt so much. What right did I have to be hurt by this? I have been very loved by people, and many times undeservedly. But at the same time, I know there is no human who loves unconditionally. I don’t even know what loving “me for me” would be, although I think it takes actions out of the equation.

I didn't ask for help because I felt a little ashamed. I feel like I should be more mature at my age - more mature than the girl who blew up an orange balloon before church and set it in the next seat for company, then started sobbing as soon as the first song began and ran off before the sermon to hide in a storage closet.

And meanwhile He trembles with love. He told me, “You’ve been gone too long - I’m so glad you’re back.”

I replied, “I didn’t know I had left.”

But I had. I had ironically left His side so that I could do His work - or that’s what I thought. A few weeks ago, He said, “You worry about doing a lot of things, but only one thing is needed.”

At the time, I had smiled. “Yes, the one thing I am doing! That’s all you need, isn’t it? Because it isn’t enough to love you and be loved. I have to do something. I have to make sure other people love you. I have to-”

So I forgot about His love in the rush to make His love understood. I turned people into my little gods, people who could push me around and I’d obey their whims because I needed them to like me so they'd like my God. I got caught in a loop. And the whole time, He was saying, “Shh, shh, only one thing is needed.”

At first, I got mad at Him. “Don’t make me cry here in front of all these people. I don’t want to cry!” But he smashed through all my defenses when the band began playing a hymn.

My Jesus, I love thee, I know thou art mine

In my mind, I could see Him holding me like the robber held Ronia. I caught a glimpse of fierce, tender, enormous, shaking-with-passion love and I cried. I cried because despite my beautiful circle of friends, I’ve been lonely for that love. I cried because even though I desperately wanted it, I don’t think I’m at all the person who should get it because I have a big head and I buy gifts for myself and I don’t call my birth dad even though I know he wants me to and two nights ago I dreamed I was a prostitute and I woke up knowing that in a way it was true. It doesn’t feel right to be loved fully and completely. I think I need to prove it first. Maybe I need to be punished some way.

My Jesus, I love thee, I know thou art mine

I cried because despite all of that, I love Him. I love how He saved me over and over in a lifestyle filled with abuse and abandonment. I love Him because He worked on my heart after taking me out of that life and healed me so completely that no one ever guesses where I came from. I love Him because He filled my life with amazing people. I love Him because He takes my little plans and throws them into the air like pizza dough and when they come back down, they’re so much bigger.

He does it over and over for us and never gets tired, He never runs out of joy. He makes fields of flowers grow in hidden meadows no one sees. He teaches the stars to sing and laughs with delight when we figure out how to hear them. He sees walls building up around a single heart and He smashes them to leave a person raw but real.

There's only one reason why I'm sharing this with you- this weepy, silly story for a rainy, windy day. Because maybe you forgot why you're here, too. Maybe it somehow slipped your mind that there is someone who loves you so entirely, so completely, so ridiculously, so powerfully that He is shaking. Maybe you push that aside because you feel like you haven't earned it, which when you think about it is a lot like a baby refusing to be held because they haven't yet figured out how to walk. If you've been holding out on Him, let go. Yes, it does feel like jumping off a cliff, doesn't it? Or maybe it's more like standing in front of a lion's claws and letting them tear away the superficial pieces of you. But real life is so worth it. He is so worth it.

And He will deliver you because he delights in you.

Just Like Family

A sting by investigative reporters revealed that Mayor Jim West of Spokane, WA, trolled for gay sex online and may have abused his power of office by offering the young men (just out of high school) he encountered political internships. The gay

Former Mayor Jim West

community was outraged by West's double-standard because West had often passed or even written anti-gay legislation. It's impossible to prove, but West may have also sexually abused young boys - although this part he vehemently denies.

And this is really old news.

The story broke in 2005. West was recalled from office, and died soon after from cancer. The only reason why I'm thinking about it is because my media ethics professor was the editor of the paper which covered the story, and we've been talking about it a lot in class.

We watched a documentary about it. You can watch it online. West behaved badly - there isn't much doubt about that. The reason why I'm bringing it up is because at the end of the documentary, I spotted something I thought was really beautiful.

This disgraced politician, now hated by nearly every community within his sphere of influence, with a history of being a ruthless campaigner, recalled out of office by formerly loyal voters...is invited, welcomed, and embraced by a local church. It's near the end of the documentary segment called "A New Revelation," at 6:45.

I mean, sure, it's sort of a typical thing to do, isn't it? After a politician messes up, he'll claim he found God to get the Christian vote on his side. Even my professor said, "I think it's predictable. It may be sincere -- it's not for me to say one way or another -- but it's certainly not surprising." I guess none of us are qualified to decide who's sincere about their faith and who isn't. What's beautiful is this church didn't care about that. They loved him anyway.

Bethel African Methodist Episcopal Church is probably exactly what it sounds like. It's mostly black, with those loud kinds of services where people call out "amen" and "preach it" and probably dance in the aisles when they good and feel like it. The pastor invited West one day during a prayer breakfast and West went and kept going because he felt welcome.

Looks like a pretty chill place, actually.

In the documentary, the interviewer tells West it's interesting that he chose to start going to a church that believed homosexuality was a sin right after he became publicly gay. She asks one question. "Why?"

"Because they invited me to," West replies. "Because they welcomed me into their family." (YEAH!!)

One reporter went to the church with West while doing a follow-up piece on his life and reported back an interesting story.

West claps to the gospel music with some self-consciousness. (He points out a white man who, he says, "is the only white guy here with real rhythm.")
Mitchell announces his sermon by saying he wants to talk about something so powerful "sometimes we even love it more than God. What is it that's so much fun? It's sin."
Specifically, Mitchell charts a course of sin from watching scantily clad women on MTV — "a foothold to the devil" — to looking at dirty movies and becoming subsumed in the online world.
"The next thing you know you are looking at things on the Internet you had no idea existed. You better stop peeking. Peeking will get you hurt," Mitchell bellowed in his full crescendo. "Peeking will mess your mind up. Peeking will set you apart from everybody."
...
There are lots of "amens" and heads nodding and parishioners urging Mitchell on. The mayor listens and says quietly, "He's talking to me."

 He could have been playing it up for the reporter, sure. I don't think anybody can know either way about that. But it really reminds me of another story.

He told his next story to some who were complacently pleased with themselves over their moral performance and looked down their noses at the common people: “Two men went up to the Temple to pray, one a Pharisee, the other a tax man. The Pharisee posed and prayed like this: ‘Oh, God, I thank you that I am not like other people—robbers, crooks, adulterers, or, heaven forbid, like this tax man. I fast twice a week and tithe on all my income.’

“Meanwhile the tax man, slumped in the shadows, his face in his hands, not daring to look up, said, ‘God, give mercy. Forgive me, a sinner.’”

That's from Luke 18, verses 9-12.  It's Jesus talking. And you do know what he said about these two men?

Jesus commented, “This tax man, not the other, went home made right with God. If you walk around with your nose in the air, you’re going to end up flat on your face, but if you’re content to be simply yourself, you will become more than yourself.”

I've talked to a lot of people who believe Christianity is all about rules. That it's all about behaving right. But the more I learn about Jesus...I don't think he cares about that much, if at all.

I forget sometimes what the world was like when Jesus had his ministry. He lived in, huh, what would you call it... a protectorate of Rome? And Rome was crazy. They had all kinds of funky behaviors going on, things that wouldn't even be acceptable in our time. I mean, Nero had young boys whose only job was to "nibble" him while he was in the pool. But is that what Jesus focused on? Not from what I've read in the Bible. From what I've read, it seems to me the only people he ever really chewed up were the ones who thought they had it all together. The rule-followers. The religious elite.

His followers were shocked by the types of people Jesus hung out with. They were social outcasts: the terminally ill, the insane, the taxmen who were the dregs of society, prostitutes and low-class workers. And it wasn't like they were his pity projects. He really loved them. He treated them like his family.

It just makes me think...

I could follow all the rules. I could do everything right. I could become a successful public relations professional and make enough money to donate huge sums to charity. I could pray every day on my knees. I could frown disapprovingly at people who don't follow the rules as well as I do and lecture them about how to be better. I could go to church services three times a week, and maybe even lead a Bible study.

But if I do not love, I am nothing.

Extremists

"I want to start eating less meat," Jane announced a few days ago.

I looked up at her, stunned and defensive, because what I heard implied was, "We are going to start eating less meat." We do all almost all our grocery shopping together, and I would give up chocolate before I gave up meat.

"But you hardly eat food to begin with," I protested.

She disagreed and told me she eats all the time, and the times I remember her skipping meals because she forgot to pack a lunch are the exception, not the rule. "Most of the farms that raise cattle sold in stores are unsustainable," she explained. "And besides, nobody needs to eat as much meat as Americans do."

Even though we're both busy college students, Jane wants to live a more sustainable lifestyle. Already, we don't buy prepackaged food like frozen burritos or canned ravioli. Also, because Jane wants to reduce trash, we buy most of our food in bulk from Winco and refill our plastic containers. And of course we use reusable shopping bags, which I found are more comfortable to carry around anyways. These steps all seem pretty extreme by themselves to me, but it isn't enough for Jane. Her dream is to buy whatever she can't grow directly from local farmers and can the excess - basically never go to the grocery store and never buy anything that can't be grown locally, like citrus. It makes me weep inwardly just thinking about it.

I don't think she knows how weird it is for me to think this way. The culture I grew up in painted environmentalists as either paranoid lunatics who screamed the sky was falling, or as malicious communist

I couldn't find a picture of Promise, but here's how I remember it.

scum who wanted to take away our land. I deeply loved our 300 acres of almost unused land, located on the top of a mountain in Oregon. The settlers named it Promise, because it was like the promised land "flowing with milk and honey." Did these environmentalists think they cared more about this land than I did? It couldn't be possible. Did they know under which stump there was a veritable kingdom of ladybugs - thousands milling in and around the curves in the wood? Did they know when to be at the pond to see the exhausted Monarchs rest in fluttering clumps on the sand? Did they know where to find the lair of the water scorpion, or even what it was? If they met a bear on the road by the garage, would they know to drop their gaze and nonchalantly walk a different direction?

I knew very little about these mysterious scheming environmentalists, who must all live in some faraway nexus of evil, like Portland.

Once, an activist came and lived in my area and started telling the people of Wallowa County what they were doing wrong. When the people discovered the environmentalist had built a new log cabin for himself on Alder Slope, they lost it. I think they were more angry that he was a hypocrite than anything else. It's hard to respect someone who has no integrity. So some people made an effigy of him and tarred and feathered it, which they got in trouble for because apparently that hasn't been an acceptable practice for about a hundred years. But if you ever visit Wallowa County, this won't surprise you. It's like traveling back in time.

My heart became a little softer to environmentalists over the years as I realized many of them just love the land like I do. But it was still a culture shock when University of Idaho housing threw a Protestant logger's daughter in the same room with a Catholic member of the Environmental Club, who if given a rifle and a plane ticket, would ruthlessly hunt down elephant poachers until they were extinct, thank you very much. We spent many hours arguing about everything. We argued about evolution, conservation, global warming, the justice system, politics in general and where the horse blankets she washed for the polo club should be hung up to dry.

Jane and me, freshmen year

So maybe on the outside it's a little puzzling that we chose to room together again for our junior year. But for us, it makes sense. We love arguing, for one thing, and it's not a trait many people share. By arguing with each other, we've sharpened each other like iron and softened one another like sanded wood. I've learned how to better frame my argument because she always finds a place to poke holes through it, and we've both learned how to step outside the argument and realize no matter how ridiculously outlandish we think the other's argument is, we still love the person behind it and need to show it.

Jane and me becoming more mature

Through her integrity and clear reasoning, she's shown me that she's the real deal, so not only do I respect her thoughts about the environment, I'm beginning to embrace them. After all, she isn't the only extremist in our friendship. I've also been misrepresented by nut jobs who claim to believe in the same thing as me. I've also been misunderstood and viewed as evil, mostly out of ignorance. I also don't always live like I believe what I believe, but I'm becoming both sharper and softer as I pursue God's vision to restore the world to a kingdom of peace, joy and beauty.

And then when I think about it, he's a bit of an environmentalist too. He told Adam and Eve to take care of the land - not squander it. After all, if we don't like it when someone takes apart our Lego spaceship or jumps right in the middle of our sandcastle, God probably doesn't like it when we destroy the world he created. I liked the way G.K. Chesterton put it: “The main point of Christianity was this: that Nature is not our mother: Nature is our sister.” In the laws the Hebrews were given in the wilderness, rules were included like if you come across a bird's nest, you may take the eggs but don't take the mother. It also had some ideas about crop rotation and letting the land rest. Sometimes I forget the Bible doesn't always agree with my preconceived notions.


When you come right down to it, any passion to make the world a better place aligns with God's own plans. Of course we all get it wrong, sometimes. We use bad methods, get discouraged, think it all depends on us...But when you deliberately tell God, "Ok, I'm in, I want to work with you," everything changes.

And I think that's why us two extremists get along so well. We both want to work with him, and not out of fear of what could happen, but out of joy and appreciation for what we have. It's a funny way of looking at things, but I think George MacDonald struck on some truth when he said, "attitudes are more important than facts." 

Missing Spacecraft found on Mars

Long Lost Spacecraft Found On Mars? - KHQ Right Now - News and Weather for Spokane and North Idaho |

What other missing things might be on Mars? O.o

Shine a Light Day

Today, April 9, is Shine a Light Day: a day on which we shine the light on the dark corner of our world where 27 million people live in slavery.

And you know what's crazy? This isn't just a problem for the typical trouble-making countries. This is happening in the United States. There are slaves who work in industries like agriculture,  and there are many who are sex slaves.

The average age of a trafficked sex slave is 12.

I didn't know anything about this until I watched a music video on YouTube that ended with an interview with Christine Caine the founder of the A21 Campaign. Watch a video here where she explains what A21 is about and who they help.

 It's easy to get overwhelmed by how many problems the world has, but that doesn't mean that we should freeze and do nothing simply because we can't do everything. I think Churchill, only slightly out of context, said it best.

"With the help of God, of which we must all feel daily conscious, we shall continue steadfast in faith

Winston Churchill

and duty till our task is done. This then, my lords and gentlemen, is the message which we send forth today to all states and nations, bound or free, to all the men in all the lands who care for freedom's cause. To our Allies and well-wishers in Europe, to our American friends and helpers drawing ever closer in their might across the ocean, this is the message---

Lift up your hearts; all will come right. Out of depths of sorrow and sacrifice will be born again the glory of mankind."

No Minimum GPA Required

In talking about wonder, adventure, and science I want to emphasize that I don't believe it's important to be super smart to enjoy these things. Of course we should try to understand things and learn as much as possible, but having a high IQ isn't as critical as people pretend it is. At any rate, there are many things that no one understands - smart people are just better at pretending that they do.

So I found John Kerry's statement to German students in Berlin refreshing. Especially since despite being a politician he was so unexpectedly blunt. To put it in context, he was talking about ideological freedom and how we put up with stupid groups like the Nazis because we believe freedom is so important. Even the freedom to be stupid.

"In America you have a right to be stupid - if you want to be," Kerry said.

"And we tolerate it. We somehow make it through that. Now, I think that's a virtue. I think that's something worth fighting for."

Wish I Was as Smart as a Baby

Children are smarter than they get credit for. It seems like studies are continually proving it, like this one that says babies exposed to more than one language can differentiate between them by the time they're 7 months old. Seven months old!! They haven't even built up the muscle to crawl at that point, but according to the article, they can recognize language cues like pitch and word order. The researchers are telling parents not to worry about confusing babies by exposing them to multiple languages because "your baby is very equipped to keep these languages separate and they do so in remarkable ways."

These types of scales are FREEZING cold to bare skin.

Brains are interesting. Especially baby brains. I'm terrible at conversation starters, but one question I like to ask is, "What was your first memory?" I'm convinced that babies are very rational, we just can't remember it ourselves and babies certainly can't convey all their thoughts. I think this because of my oldest memory: being weighed on one of those archaic metal scales like the one in this picture.

I don't know how old I was - between one and two - but I distinctly remember having thoughts but not knowing how to verbalize them. My mother and the doctor were having a conversation and I could follow some of it and I did not like what they were saying, but I didn't say anything. I don't think I knew how to express myself except by crying, which I did as soon as they put me on the dumb scale.

Every parent believes that their child is the most brilliant baby to ever enter the world. As Roald Dahl put it, “It's a funny thing about mothers and fathers. Even when their own child is the most disgusting little blister you could ever imagine, they still think that he or she is wonderful.” Which is nice to keep in mind if you happen to be the "blister" type. Regardless, there have been interesting stories about babies that obtained extraordinary skills at a very young age. In fact, we all had some superpowers as babies. We could read minds, easily see differences in images, listen to several sound frequencies at once and see pure color.

Wouldn't it be amazing if we retained the special skills of babies in combination with our current cognizance? We'd be crazy smart.
Maybe we needed those superpowers temporarily in order to adapt to a world that gave us so much to think about.